2018 Started off with heartbreak and loneliness. 2018 is ending with contentment and a lot of hope for an awesome future.
I rang in 2018 on the phone with a friend, talking about a recent heartbreak. I couldn’t see past myself (a problem I still face, albeit less so). I was constantly sad. I was sober, but I barely had 3 months in the program. that’s not a long time.
As the year went on though, a lot of things happened. I dated, I got fitter, my son was born, I got divorced, I got a new truck, I got a new job, etc. Slowly, I also got a lot better at loving myself.
That’s not a topic dudes like to talk about very often. It’s an important one though. Finding a way to take care of yourself, even when you don’t want to, even when it seems like the whole world hates you, is a big ass deal.
My first experience doing it was late in January. I woke up, very unable to sleep (after days of not sleeping well). I drove to the beach to take pictures of the sunset, aroudn 5:30am. The idea, was to consciously, explicitly, make an effort to change my life.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but it worked.
My son was born in April. His mom and I managed to be pretty decent to each other, despite the challenges of the sitaution. I’m grateful for that. That could have been a horribly ugly situation. It wasn’t easy, but I think we did really well.
My friend Curtis hit me up about a job opportunity around the same time. I wasn’t looking for new work. While I wasn’t satisfied with the direction of things at Florida Hospital, it was stable work. With a new baby on the way, that mattered a lot to me. However, Clearwater offered a gig that was completely remote and paid a good amount more money. It’s been excellent. The guys I work with are top notch.
Also, around that time, I got a new truck. I was about to start driving a lot more with a new baby living 4 hours away from me. Something more reliable, and a little more comfortable, was a very welcome change in my life.
In August/September, I competed in a couple CrossFit competitions with some very fit friends of mine. I’ve been consistent about diet and training all year. The difference between what I can do today, and what I could have done a year ago is huge. I cannot understate this. I’m pushing 40 years old, and I’m in the best shape of my life. I have veins showing through my abs. That is really gratifying.
I had some real existential realizations throughout the year. They’re a bit too personal to share publicly. If you ask me in person though, I might just tell you 😉
I spent the year online dating. It sucks. There’s so much “game” playing out there. To all of you who I’ve dated though: I wish you all the absolute best. I hope and pray each of you meet someone amazing, and feel the love you deserve.
Finally, I met a girl. She’s awesome. I’m 100% in love. I don’t really know what to say about that. I’m in a place where I feel safe, and excited.
My sponsor told me “Don’t fuck it up.”. He’s right too. I have to remember the lessons I’ve learned. The number one lesson of this year: God has a plan, and he doesn’t need my help with it. The number two lesson: don’t make my fears and insecurities someone else’s problem. I’ve talked about that at length for years. Well, surprise: I’m still working on it.