• The Slumber Bear: One of the few calming things for babies is white noise. It’s the shhh noise we all know so well. A tip: Do it loudly. When babies are in the womb, the sound of water running by their ear is akin to white noise, and it’s reportedly as loud as a leaf blower. Another Tip: We took the bear skin off, and just use the noise making guts.
• Boppies: When the kids are little, they can’t hold their own head up. When it’s feeding time, you’ll either have to hold them yourself, or have something to hold them for you. That’s the idea behind the Boppy. It may look like a neck pillow for Big Foot, but it’ll give you a spare hand for that beer of yours.
• Probiotics: Babies typically don’t digest food well early on. This is one of the causes of colic kids. So, just like a wastewater treatment plant, you can help get the pipes working by introducing bacteria in your child’s diet. Some of you might sound appalled, but you’ve still got billions of E-Coli in your belly right now.
• Bouncy Seats: I don’t know why, but a bouncing baby is usually a happy one. If baby has eaten, and has a clean diaper, and is still crying, the bouncy seat should be your next plan of attack.
• Swing: Another great way to chill your baby out is to set them in a swing. The bouncy seats are a great way to soothe babies quick, but it still requires you to sit there and bounce them (we’ve yet to find the automatic bouncy seat).
• The Happiest Baby On The Block: The doctor behind this DVD is a bit odd, but his methods work 100%. I knew nothing about raising kids before watching this (the day before Mason and Charlotte were born). Within a couple hours of using the methods described, I was better at calming the kids than anyone else was. This DVD is definitely a must.

I’m sure there’s some stuff out there that some of you have come to rely on a bunch. I’d love to hear what everyone else is using to get by the hardest times. These days, with the help of the previously mentioned tools, things are a lot of fun.

First off, Mason and Charlotte are awesome. I can’t begin to put into words how much emotion pours out of me when I get to hold them. I held judgement on whether I would like them or not. After 17 days, I can say I genuinely love them.

Mostly …

So, the one thing that still feels like a rattlesnake biting my cheek; is the sound of babies crying. I don’t know how to describe the agony of hearing them cry, but after 17 days, I can say it’s not much better when they’re your own.

That gets me to everyone else:

The one thing I notice about most folks who interact with the kids, is that crying is only a minor inconvenience to them. I hear people saying how cute it is, while baby-talking to the screaming baby. When I mention how much the sound of them crying bothers me, I’m usually treated like an oddity. It’s like folks think I’m gonna get over it.

Imagine if I were to pinch you in the nipple with pliers, while telling you: “It’s fine. Why are you so upset”.

Other than the crying, the lack of sleep that entails having twins is especially brutal. I’m a big dude, so sleep isn’t something to joke about for me. I’ve lost 40 lbs since last July. At this rate, I’m going to be the size of my kids by next year.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my kids. When they’re happy, nothing feels better than to hold them and hang out with them. Every now and then, I have to hold one of them on my pillow with me to sleep. You just can’t imagine what it’s like to wake up with your daughter’s forehead on yours.

I guess the point of all of this, is that for most guys, babies are mostly hell. The screaming and the lack of sleep make you completely crazy. I walk down the street these days waiting for someone to look at me the wrong way. I could use the chance to let out some built up frustration on someone wearing a popped collar.

:/

We’ve done a bunch to the house to prepare. We’ve had the carpets cleaned, moved rooms around, and got the nursery setup. It’s been an interesting process. Anyways, here’s some pics of everything.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/corycollier/3870999911/in/set-72157622187046976/

We found out about Charlotte first. In technical terms, doctors are looking for Hamburgers and Hot-Dogs. So, the first thing was a hamburger.

The second was the Hot Dog.

So, I guess I’ll be playing with guns and barbies. It’s great news for Melissa and I.